📢 MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCEMENT! 📢
Introducing… MORE SYNDROME™—The Disorder You Didn’t Know You Had (But Definitely Have)!
Are you tired of vague, unsatisfying diagnoses that barely scratch the surface of your existential malaise? Do you crave a deeper, more expansive sense of unease? Look no further—MORE SYNDROME™ is here to validate every nebulous discomfort you’ve ever felt (and many you haven’t… yet).
🔬 WHAT IS MORE SYNDROME™?
A revolutionary new condition characterized by:
- Randomly clustered symptoms (fatigue, dread, excessive sighing, or literally anything else—you decide!)
- Vaguely defined causes (stress? Capitalism? Bad vibes? Why not all three?)
- A thrilling lack of diagnostic clarity (the more ambiguous, the more funding we secure!)
💊 SOLUTIONS FOR MORE SYNDROME™ (PATENT PENDING)
1. Numbitol® – Our flagship random chemical that:
- Dulls all sensation (joy, pain, awareness of late-stage collapse—poof! Gone!)
- Side effects include: More Syndrome™-related stress (but don’t worry—we’re developing Numbitol PLUS® for that).
2. Diagnostic Expansion Packages™ – Why settle for one syndrome when you could have 5-7 overlapping, billable conditions? Infinite growth potential!
3. Therapy Adjacent™ Support Subscriptions – Weekly emails reminding you that it’s not the system—it’s your brain! (Optional premium add-on: Guilt Boosters™.)
📈 WHY MORE SYNDROME™?
- Numbers go up! (Patient counts, revenue streams, societal despair—every metric wins!)
- Infinite scalability! (New symptoms added quarterly—subscribe today!)
- It’s self-sustaining! (The more we treat, the more we discover needs treating! Genius!)
🎉 TESTIMONIALS
"I used to think my suffering had meaning—now I know it’s just MORE SYNDROME™! Thanks, big pharma!" – Anonymous Patient (probably you soon)
"Our stock price has never been higher since we pivoted to MORE SYNDROME™ solutions. The bleaker the world gets, the brighter our future!" – Big Wellness CEO
🚀 ACT NOW!
Call 1-800-MOR-SYND and ask your doctor about MORE SYNDROME™—because why stop at sane?
Side effects may include:
- Existential numbness
- Financial ruin
- A creeping sense this was always the plan
- But hey, at least you’re diagnosed!
MORE SYNDROME™—Embrace the Growth! 💊📊🔥
^(MORE SYNDROMEâ„¢ is not FDA-approved, nor will it ever be. Approval implies limits, and growth has none. Terms and conditions subject to change, just like your symptoms.)
Nice! 😃 Numbers go up! 📈 Great! 🎉
